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Saturday, 27 May 2017



Big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry

It was a truly feeble list of two.

It really was, you know, I’m not lying. I’ve seen some poor picks before. Lots of them, but this one was downright depressing. I kept looking and thinking, thinking and looking: I drove all the way from Barnstaple for this?

‘My Way’. Frank Sinatra. Well that’ll be the old bloke in the crumpled suit with the wine stain down the left breast, trying to look as though he’s not pushing 80 by wearing a pork pie hat.

‘It’s Raining Men’. The hen party by the pool table? Could be. They’ve got that desperate look about them – not quite hitting the heights yet. Couple more cocktails and they’ll forming a circle and massacring a can-can.

And, oh God. What’s this? Yes, you. You with the national health walking stick in one hand, lager in the other, making your way to my booth? That determined expression?

“Oy,” He said, upon reaching his destination. “This is karaoke, right?” Well you had to give him ten out of ten for deduction, anyway. “Give us the book, I’ll soon get this place jiving.”

I guessed he was down from London; holiday, maybe. I passed him the book which listed the thousands of tunes. Sometimes, in this job, you try and guess which it will be. Match the tune to the punter. More often than not you get it right. There are only so many tunes the British public are comfortable with, anyway. You know how it is. They have to be slow or mid-tempo at best. Easy words. No key changes. Nothing challenging. Anything to disguise a lack of ability but everything to raise a half-hearted cheer.

“Sweet Caroline,” I shuddered, to myself, not sure if it had come out loud.

Outside the pub, it was a dull afternoon and it was raining. Climate change meant that the summer season in Bideford was often unpleasant. Poor sods. I knew it was raining because I’d had to hump the stuff in by myself.

No mean feat for a man of my age, neither. The speakers, stands, mixing desk, all of it: and I’d hurried because I hadn’t wanted the kit to get wet. My back was killing me.

Something people never realise, when you’re a one man show, is just how much work it takes. I’d had a partner once, but he’d died of cancer.  God he was a moaner, though: ‘The public turn up pissed, pay you for a couple of hours, never think of helping us erect the stuff, do they?’ Try not to think about him now, of course. Makes me cry. I’d had pills and everything; had to stay off the booze for months. But look, if you see me, or one of my kind, have a heart and hump a speaker.

Blokie was taking his time, though, thumbing through the damp pages, leaning on his crutch. As he did this, the doors to the pub opened and in walked a grey beard. Well I say walked. He had that gait of someone clearly pissed but determined to make it to the bar in a straight line as if to prove he’d had nothing to drink. He needn’t have worried, though, they were desperate for business in here. Bideford was like a ghost town today, no public, no tourists, not even any police around, ready to truncheon the inebriated. Nope, they be glad of that four quid across the bar.

Now suddenly I felt guilty. I was scarcely drumming up trade, was I? It is part of the karaoke code to sing if nobody else is. To fill dead air. So, as Blokie continued to scan his way through the book, I hit a couple of keys on the laptop, took up a microphone and sang one of my favourites. “This thing, called love, I just can’t handle it…” Well, you know.

So I’m singing. I haven’t got much of a range, but I can carry a tune. Well you have to in this game. When I was younger, I might have cut a few shapes, a la Mercury, but that’s a young man’s hobby. My hips and back are not getting any suppler and, since himself had died I’d been thinking of quitting, to be honest. But, what else could I do? How would I make a living?

You start to look for a new partner.

Anyway, Blokie’s finally decided, as I’m singing ‘Ready, Freddie’, and he thrust the bit of paper in my hand in a rude fashion, briefly forgetting his walking stick. I looked down at it. ‘Hold Me Close’, the old David Essex tune. Actually, I was surprised. Not often someone sings that. It’s got quite a high register in bits of it and it swings nicely along, too.

As I’m cueing it up, I noticed that Greybeard has plonked himself on a stool, clutching a lager shakily, and has swivelled round to watch. A tad unsteady. I noticed a pantomime of flap-doodle as he patted through his jacket pockets and then, relief, as he found an envelope. This he opened and pulled out the contents which he scrutinised carefully. He was using the autozoom function of the drunk; moving it slowly towards and then away from his eyes, until it was just so.

He squinted at the paper, then, I think, he began to cry.

I was snapped back to now by a quite appalling cockney drawl. “Hold me close, don’t let me go, oh no,” Blokie was screaming, fretting his arms like a flapping gull about to steal your chips, “cos I, I think I love you, and I think that you know, do you know?” Jesus Christ, the whole of Bideford knew by now: “Wiv your love lights shining,” he turned towards me and I was covered in spit, “every clahd’s got a sil-ver lin-ing,” no, no it hasn’t, really, it hasn’t, mate, “so hold me close, don’t let me go.”

To my horror, the hen party was looking interested. Encouraged, he flung his stick across the floor and managed a knee slide towards them, windmilling his arms. I looked at the door. The police were bound to be here anytime now, but, no, nothing.

“What a twat,” a voice hissed in my ear, making me jump. Greybeard had joined me from his stool, behind the booth, fixated by the horror show.

But, I’m a professional, so I’m not about to criticise a performance to a stranger. In karaoke, you need all the twats you can get. “Think you can do better?”

“Nice kit,” he ignored, “I’ve got a similar mixing desk at home. Not as good as this, though, to be fair.” He slurred the word kit so it sounded like shit.


“Bet you had to hump the whole lot in yourself. That’s the trouble with the public. Turn up pissed. Never think of helping. They don’t see the extra hours you put in, do they? Christ, it drives me spare. All you get is fifty quid at the end of it. That pays your petrol. Dunno why we do it, do you? Load of bollocks.”

“Two hundred quid. I’m getting two hundred,” I lied.

“No you’re not. I bet you’re not,” he returned, accurately. “What time is it? Two thirty. How long are you on for? Midnight?” He looked back at Blokie, now, thankfully, coming to the end, “Christ, he’s pissed for this early, isn’t he?”

There was a little applause, mainly from the chief hen, although Pork Pie hat hadn’t been impressed. Neither party came forward for their turn – probably waiting until they were too drunk to remember. Instead, confidence pulsing through his veins, Blokie sauntered back. “I’ll do another one, pass me the book.”

Before he could take it, Greybeard picked it up and flicked through, scanning the titles quickly. “This one,” he suggested, pointing.

I looked and groaned. Pink Floyd. That’d empty the pub, no problem, wouldn’t it? The rain continued to cascade down outside. The town looked cold, empty and grim. I shrugged and cued it up, anyway, much to the disappointment of Blokie. He took the book; retrieved his stick. Sat. Sulked and watched.

What a dirge: “There is no pain, you are receding, a distant ship on the horizon…the child is grown, the dream is gone…” Greybeard mumbled, incomprehensibly, into the microphone, swaying unsteadily. Hen party moved back to their corner. Pork Pie supped up and left. Blokie sat impatiently, waiting for the horrid six minutes to pass and the distant ship on the horizon to get bombed into oblivion.

I think Greybeard was crying again. At least he was having fun. Of sorts.

The lack of applause was tangible. He passed the microphone back and tacked back to the bar. As he did so, I could see Blokie returning for a second bite of the cherry; a fistful of slips clenched grubbily. I took them, but cued another up for myself, to compensate for the funereal atmosphere left in Greybeard’s wake. 10CC. Say what you like about them, but ‘I’m Not in Love’ is a lustrous song. Great bass line, too. Terrific tune. And within my range without embarrassing myself. I waved Blokie away and off we go.

Greybeard was back, though. Just as I was getting in my stride, there he was like a nasty stain just lying there. But, undaunted he takes a second microphone. Sat down. Waiting. During the instrumental break, he grinned and mutters, “I’ll do the ‘big boys don’t cry’ bit.”

And he did: “Big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry…” whispering almost perfectly. Well it sent a shiver down the spine, the hen party were back; I almost forgot the cue. More people poured into the pub, out of the rain and the applause was modest but acceptable.

“We should do another one, a proper duet,” I suggested.

“One with a good bass line. I like a good bass line.”

Well, there was this old Dusty Springfield tune I was very fond of. But you never get a chance to do it, do you? It’s not in the public’s consciousness or range. Way out of the average punter’s comfort zone. Well, after all, you never know what sins we actually do commit to deserve this, but, there again, I was grinning a bit. Greybeard did OK, I thought, he knew the rap bit fairly well – the bit where Tennant murmurs: ‘I bought you drinks, I bought you flowers, I read you books, we talked for hours…’ so it was easy to sing the stuff about since you went away, I’ve been hanging around.

The song slipped out as easy as you like.

Now, though, I heard a grunt at my elbow and the sharp jab of a national health walking stick in my spine.  “Call this music? It’s gay, that’s what. When’s my turn? I’ve been waiting bloody ages.”

Well, he hadn’t, but the song was over, and I looked at his paper with a sigh. So did Greybeard, irritated at Blokie’s demeanor and poor manners. He snatched the paper out of my hand. Flourished it in front of his eyes. Then shredded it. “Piss off.”

“He ripped up my request,” squawked Blokie. Forgetting he was an invalid convalescing, he raised his stick and poked me in the forehead. Sharply. Painfully, too, because it cut the bridge of my nose. I yanked it from my now bleeding nose and twisted it from his grip, thrusting it squarely into his chest. He was shoved back. “Bastards!” Blokie raised his fist and it was an impressive one, too. “Give me my stick.”

“Here!” I said, throwing it back at him, so it bounced of his skull. This enraged him further and he swung at me. I first felt a fist, then a kick. I now could smell his breath. A casket of CD discs was tipped from the booth and scattered across the floor. A table upturned and I heard the sound of breaking glass.

Greybeard was quicker, though. He seized a jacket lapel and I seized the other, avoiding Blokie’s flailing knuckles and we both, simultaneously, socked him in the face as hard as we could. Blokie blinked. A look of puzzlement crossed his face. Then he sank to his knees, momentarily stunned.

But it wasn’t over. Oh, by no means was it over. Somehow, during the short skirmish, debris had scattered itself all over the place and two of the hens were clucking in the corner. Over at the bar, Julie was talking frantically into her telephone. The door to the pub smollocked open and the only policeman to be found in Bideford was skittering across the floor and rounding us up.

Protests were in vain. I scowled at Greybeard as the doors to the police van were shut in our faces, the three of us now driven away in disgrace.

So it was a little time later, perhaps an hour, that we were gazing at the metal studded door of a cell, me on a horizontal concrete plinth, my companion on the shut seat of the toilet. Next door we could hear Blokie. He was smacking the door with his stick and complaining. “You can’t do this to me. I’m disabled. Signed off, long term sick. This is discrimination.” Every so often a pause. Then he was setting-to again. Clang, smack, thump, complaint.

All I could think about was my unguarded kit in the pub and the bad luck of being towed away by the one policeman who had happened to be available.

My grey bearded companion - Justin, as I’d now found out - was looking at the envelope from earlier. He would remove the tatty content, look at it, then replace it. Perhaps he was sobering up, now. I didn’t feel any bitterness towards him, to be fair.

“So, what is it?” I asked.

“Been made redundant. Twenty two years of teaching. No longer needed. Surplus to the mission. Too expensive.”


“It was my last day yesterday. Thought I’d get away from it all. Weekend in Bideford.”

I thought there must be better places to go. Barnstaple for starters. But each to their own. “What’s that? Your redundancy letter?”

“No. It’s a fifty quid record voucher. My leaving present from the Headteacher.”


“Yeah. Well, my partner and I used to DJ for them over the years – parties, leaving bashes, weddings – watched them all grow up. I suppose they thought, after two decades, it was an appropriate gift.”

“Record voucher? Is that it? Twenty two years and a record voucher? Tight bastards.”

“Well, that and twenty thousand pounds.”


Justin looked up from his toilet and grinned. “Silly, really. Me getting pissed and upset. It was a good innings. It’s just the leaving them all behind, I suppose. The kids. They deserved better. But what can you do? It’s the way this country’s going. They can’t afford teachers anymore. Easier to pay us to piss off; reduces the bill overall. Everyone’s a winner.”

“I suppose so. A bit of a kick in the teeth, though.”


I really liked Justin. I mean, I suddenly really loved him. You could tell he cared. I cared too and I thought back to my dead friend. It was crazy, but I had to say it. Passing ships. Distant ship smoke on the horizon - all that. Seize the moment. “Hook up with me, why not?” I blurted it out, and my voice squeaked. “I mean it. I’d like it.”

Justin grinned and got off the toilet. He came over. Clapped me on the shoulder. Affectionate. “I can’t. I mean, I just can’t.”

“Course you can. You can do anything you want. In life.”

“No.” He sighs. “It’s too late. I’ve got a job. The Middle East. A place called Kwatar. I fly out at the end of the month. Teaching. That’s the strange thing, really,” he continues, frowning, “Almost as soon as they sagged me off, Kwatar rang up and gave me a job. The very next day. How does that happen, eh? They told me. They want British teachers. They say we have a lot to offer. It’s a good deal, too. Accommodation, insurance, tax free salary – the works. So, you see, there’s the thing.”

I felt stupid, but there was no need to. In any case, before I could answer, there was a horrible scream from the next cell.

“No! I shit myself, I shit myself!” Judging from the smell, he had, too. “I blame you for this,” he wailed, presumably at his door, “Police state, that’s what we are. I’ll sue, you bastards.”

I shuddered, thinking of the truncheoning he was likely to get. But now our door opened and two of Her Majesty’s plod are gazing in at us. To be fair, one of them was fingering his truncheon with an unpleasant leer, but the other looked more biddable. “Hello,” I said, “that is a big one, isn’t it?”

Truncheon molester ignored me but the other spoke up. “You are free to go, on one condition,” he says, evenly.

“What’s that, then?” growled Justin, “we’re not cleaning up that twat next door, if that’s what you think. He’s nothing to do with us.”

“No, no, it’s not that.” Cough, cough. “No, nothing like that. Thing is, it’s the Chief Superintendent’s leaving do. Most of the force are upstairs, enjoying the punch…” I’ll bet they are, too. “…but, the thing is, the DJ cancelled on us. Last minute. We was hoping…hoping…you could see your way to doing your karaoke upstairs. Save a bit of embarrassment, you see? In return for no charges.”

“No charges?” snapped Justin.

Truncheon spoke up, raising his instrument just slightly. “Drunk. Disorderly. Causing an affray. Public nuisance. And we would hate it if you, er, attacked one of us in an inebriated state, wouldn’t we?”

“Heaven knows what might happen,” continued the other.

“Well, OK,” I grumbled. Well you know when it’s a fit up. “I’ll collect the stuff.”

“No need, we thought it would be quicker if we assumed you’d say yes. It’s already upstairs. Get a move on, the Chief Super is in a mood to sing ‘My Way’.”

And so that is how, some two hours later or so, I was hunched over the laptop upstairs in Bideford bridewell, somewhat melancholy, I admit, watching thirty or so policemen – and women – up and dancing, stumbling around an office and waving truncheons in a most suspect fashion.

Now, as I look across the room, I see Justin and it looks like he’s about to do a disappearing act. Not even a goodbye? Well I thought I knew why, so I hurried across and stopped him. A waste. Such a waste. I don’t want him to go.

“I thought I’d slip away. While the going’s good.”

“Yep. I’ll think of you half way across the world,” I said, and I meant it. “I’ll worry. Let me know you’re okay?”

“Course I will. Look,” he grinned, “this time next year, I’ll come to Bideford and find you.”

“I might not be in Bideford.” Because you know how way leads on to way, and ages from now I’ll be telling this to someone with a sigh.

Justin reaches in his pockets and passes me the dog eared record voucher. “You have this. Something to remember our adventure by.”

“I can’t take this.” I wanted to hug him. I wanted to stop him going.

“Course you can. No good to me where I’m going, is it? Buy a good one.”

“Yep. Something by The Police.” We laughed at the pathetic joke and he shook my hand. Opened the door.

“Write to me. Stay in touch.”

“Sure. I’ll send a message in a bottle.”

Friday, 12 May 2017

To Kill an Albatross

To Kill an Albatross

Today, there was much activity in the headteacher’s office. Two or three blokes sweated at the door, unscrewing a baroque nameplate of lacquered oak. Another was waiting with a sticky backed plastic replacement upon which was scrawled, in felt tipped pen, ‘Sidney James’.

Two men critically scrutinised all this activity. The shorter one scrawled his hand through greying hair whilst his companion screwed a monocle into his right eye, dabbed at his nose with a kerchief and leant on his silver topped cane.

“Careful, careful, Them seats is worth a fortune. Watch the legs, watch the legs. Gor blimey.”

“I believe it’s a cabriole.”

“Not now, I’ve just eaten me lunch. Yak, yak, yak.”

They watched as removal men hefted several mock antique chairs through the doors. The shorter stumped back behind a newly installed and cheap looking MDF desk and slouched onto a blue plastic seat. The taller man followed: angular, sallow and morose in his walk. He remained standing. Angle poised in posture. Observant. The door closed and silence entered the room.

“Lovely. That’s a couple of quid in the kitty, then. We’ll stroll down the auction later and bid them up a bit.”

“Not enough, Sidney, not enough. A drop in the ocean.”

“Yeah, well we’ve got plans, me old china, ain’t we? Plans. Million pounds in debt? Do me a favour.”

“Who are we seeing first?”

Before James could answer, the door was flung open. A portly gentleman barged in, bristling with indignance. He was followed by a taller gentleman, bespectacled, who trod with measured steps. This man glanced at the cheap mock Arabian tussled rug chucked on the floor in front of the desk and quietly parked himself in a seat to one side. The first stood stoutly in front of the desk and belched.

“Gor, blimey, Guvnor,” scowled James, “Can you repeat that? Yak, yak, yak.”

Stout and portly farted in a vulgar fashion and remained unmollified. “Now see, here, James, or whatever you’re called. The unions are not having this. They’re not having it at all.”

“Sidney, Sidney James. And you are?”

“Mr Toby.”

James’ angular companion had removed his kerchief from his sleeve and was holding it to his nose with a grimace. His voice was therefore muffled when he replied, “Ah yes. The head of the History Faculty, Sidney.”

“Are we axing History?”

“The case for History is still under review, Sidney. However I now do bethink me that the case should be closed. Quickly.”

“That would make it a brief case. Yak, yak, yak.” Sidney leant forward and eyed Mr Toby affably. “Brief case? Geddit? Oh well, please yourself.”

“Now see here, James. The unions are up in arms. Up in arms, so they are.”

“From what I’ve seen of them, they’re more armless than armed, Mr Toby, Yak, yak, yak.”

“Now look here, James. I won’t be held responsible for the mayhem that your actions will unleash.”

“What actions?”

“Do you think, just because you are Headteacher, there shall be no more cakes and ale at meetings?”

James looked puzzled for a minute, then scowled at the man beside him. “Here, what’s he going on about, Jaggers?”

“He is referring to my pronouncement that forthwith there will be no more lavish refreshments provided at staff training or staff meetings. An excellent cost cutting measure. Only biscuits of the plainest kind to be henceforward provided for the consumption of.”

“Biscuits? Plain biscuits?”

“Yes, Sidney. From this day forth only the most basic biscuit selection as purveyed by CostCo Ltd.”

Sidney propped forward across his desk once more. “And what is wrong with that? I like a custard cream, myself. Yak, yak, yak. And them shortcakes are rather…nice. Nice. Geddit?”

Mr Toby farted once more and slammed his fist on the desk. “Biscuits? Biscuits? Go rub your chain with crumbs,” he shrieked.  And with that he was gone, leaving nothing behind him but a lingering and unpleasant stench.

Jaggers rested his chin thoughtfully on his cane, shifting his weight as he regarded the departure. He stroked his beard. “In life there are beaters and cringers, Sidney,” he pronounced. “Beaters and cringers.”

Sidney flapped his hand across his nose. “Farters and stinkers, Mr Jaggers. Cor, blimey, what a stench. Yak, yak, yak. Who are you?” The question was addressed to the thoughtful gentleman who had followed Toby in, but had remained seated. Quietly.

“Mr Finch. You wanted to see me.”


Jaggers looked through his scrolled notes, wetting a fingertip with his tongue so that he could riffle through more quickly. Flap, flap, flap. “Finch. Head of Literature and English.” He pronounced.

Sidney did not look impressed. He switched an electric desk fan on. This had the effect of propelling whatever foul air remained in the direction of the seated Finch. “You are the Head of Literature? Books? You look more like a courtroom lawyer.”

Finch leant forward. “I see that you have directed Toby’s flatulence towards me, Mr James,” he said, gravely. “And the odour sure does make the eyes water some. It is a powerful gesture of contempt. Angry? No, I am not angry. I must put myself in your shoes, just for a minute. Blowing that air was the act of a desperate man. And if blowing it in my face and threatening me with asphyxiation saves you from one more beating, why I’ll gladly take that air, sir.”

“Ah, shaddup, Finch. You’re more than capable of some hot air yourself, you hear? Yak, yak, yak. Jaggers? Is there any future in Literature?”

“Apparently not, Sidney. I have consulted the ledger and it says, without ambiguity, that in the current educational climate, literature is a burden that British children can do well without. It clouds the mind. Focus is gone. Results fall. And results, dear Sidney, results are everything.”

“Hear that, Finch? You’re strictly in euthanasia territory here. Yak, yak, yak.”

Finch regarded Sidney placidly, removed his glasses, breathed on them and wiped them with a handkerchief. Now the door to the office opened again and a small girl was frog marched in by a security guard, who held her firmly by the ear and plonked her in front of the desk. At this, Finch rose abruptly from his seat.

“Fighting again, Mr Sidney,” said the guard. He turned and marched out.

“What the hell is this?” snarled Sidney.

“Appears to be a small girl. I should hazard a guess,” mused Jaggers, “one of our pupils, perhaps from the lower school? I shall consult the ledger. It is possible, indeed likely, that she is on the – ah – special list and is, as such, surplus to our needs, holding back, as she would, our march towards better results. She would appear, at first glance, to require improvement.”

“Require improvement? We are not in the business of improvement!”

“No, indeed. But she presents something of a quandary. To get rid of this one would reduce our income by some three thousand sovereigns and yet, and yet, she could, contrarily, be a drain on our resources.”

Finch coughed. He rose from his seat towards the desk and ruffled the child’s hair in an avuncular fashion. “Now, then. What have I told you about fighting, young lady?”

“But he poured molasses all over his mashed potato!” she blinked, either in fury or regret.

“Now see here. If you can try this little trick, you’ll get along better with all sorts of folks. Try standing in his shoes for a minute, walk around in them and see things from his point of view,” smiled Finch, “now, no more fighting, you hear? Off you go and wait outside for me. Mr Sidney has lots of important business today.”

The girl smiled. She looked at Sidney and Jaggers. Then back at Finch. “Mr Finch? Is this school poor?”

“It surely is, young lady. It surely is.”

Satisfied, the little girl glanced once more at the Headteacher, turned and ambled out the way she had been marched in. Finch returned to his seat and reclined patiently. He wiped his glasses once more and listened.

Now, although it was strictly against the rules, Sidney opened a draw and produced an ashtray. Without a word, Jaggers reached for a lighter, passed a cigar from his pocket then lit one himself. The two men sucked and puffed; the office filled. “Smoke?” Sidney asked Finch, affably.

“No, thank you, Mr Sidney.”

Jaggers consulted his notes again, then spoke: “You see, Finch, debt is like an albatross. An albatross around our necks.”

Finch smiled. “There was a ship, quoth he?”

“Exactly,” considered Jaggers, riffling in agitation, “exactly, and…ah…there have to be cut backs. Our plan is quite simple. Cut the expense and hire the cheapest, reduce the deficit, Mr Finch, reduce the deficit. Literature is an expense that we simply cannot countenance in the – ah – present fiscal climate. In the kingdom of the blind banker, the deficit is king.”

“Buy the fake and sell what’s real?”

“Damn right!” snapped Sidney. “What can we learn from literature anyway? How can it upskill our learners for the needs of the modern work force in any case? Hell’s teeth, what is it now?”

There was a soft knock at the door and it opened for a third time. A one armed man with a broom entered and coughed. “Them new workers is here, Boss, just come,” he muttered and two men followed him in. One was small with sharp, raw-boned features. The other was a giant. Both whipped off their hats as they surveyed the office and approached the desk.

Sidney looked unimpressed and blew cigar smoke in a hiss of distaste. “I wrote the cover teacher agency I wanted two men this morning. You got your work slips?” The smaller man looked at his feet but reached in his pocket and handed them over. The giant giggled. “Says here,” continued Sidney, “it weren’t the agency’s fault. Says here you was due to teach this morning.”

“The school bus driver gave us the bum steer,” explained the smaller man, “we had to walk the last ten miles.”

“I don’t give a damn about that. Don’t you try to put nothing over on me,” snarled Sidney. And he pointed at the giant. “He ain’t much of a talker, is he? What’s your stake in this man?”

“Oh, he got kicked in the head by a horse. I ain’t saying he’s bright. I ain’t saying that. But he can mark more books in an hour than any teacher you ever seen. He’s a helluva good worker.”

Jaggers moved towards Sidney and hissed in his ear: “These sound ideal, Sidney. Ideal.”

“OK,” glowered Sidney, stubbing out his smoke. “We’ll put you on trial. Fifty quid a month. But don’t you try to put nothing over on me, boy. Go and join our English department this afternoon. Now get out.” The two men nodded respectfully and shambled towards the door. The small one opened it and simultaneously socked the giant in the jaw as they walked through.

As the door closed, Finch stood up. “Well, gentlemen,” he said, “As I see it, an albatross doesn’t do anything more harmful than follow our lost sailors at sea and bring them safely into harbour. They may take a long time to do it, but they do it anyway. They don’t steal your chips, they don’t foul your sidewalks and they only exist to make your hearts soar with hope.  Shoot all the herring gulls you like, but you know something? It’s a sin to kill an albatross.”

Jaggers screwed his monocle in more firmly and looked short sightedly at Finch. “Yes, indeed, Mr Finch. Now, about your redundancy. We are prepared, on account of your service, which, in my ledger, amounts to 25 years, to – ah – offer you the sum of twenty thousand pounds.”

“And a record voucher,” added Sidney, “don’t forget the record voucher. You can buy a vinyl record. As it is, after all, your vinyl day. Yak, yak, yak.”

“Thank you, gentlemen. Very decent of you. Would you like me to leave my library for the children?”

“No, no, we have – ah – plans to turn that into office space for our new intake of administrative staff.”

Finch smiled. “Very well, then. I wish you all the luck in the world.” He stood, shook Jaggers and then Sidney firmly by the hand, turned and walked quietly towards the door. The two men watched his departing back and the door as it closed behind him. Silence entered the room once again.

“He took that well.”

“Yes – ah – indeed, Sidney.”

Once more the two men listened through the heavy silence. Tense. As if waiting for something to happen. Anything. A gun shot? An old stinking dog laid to rest in the darkness? But no.

Then, muffled, but clear enough to hear, two voices:

“Are you leaving, Mr Finch?”

“I surely am, young lady.”

“But, Mr Finch. That’d be sort of like shooting an albatross, wouldn’t it?”

Saturday, 22 April 2017

In Brief #4: Brief Cases

In Brief #4: Brief Cases

“Good morning. Pay attention shirkers at the back. From now on, I will be doing what briefings need doing and Blunt will not. Let’s keep briefings, brief. Yak yak yak.”

“On the other hand, I was nonetheless and hitherto similarly in agreement to allow our new Headteacher, Mr Sidney James, to be weekly briefing coordinator and at the same time inseminator of informations given as likewise I will not be individually taking briefing myself or alone.”

“Spit it out, Blunt. Oh, it’s too late, he’s gone and swallowed it, stupid bleeder. Now, let’s get to the recent Ofsted visit, shall we? Cor, blimey.”

“Likewise, Mr Sidney, we don’t use the O word in this school. We always say Mr and Mrs Ofsted.”

“Cor, blimey, do we?”

“Yes, because, likewise, we don’t want any bad luck.”

“Any more bad luck? You’re having a laugh. You’re in special measures and your old Head, she done a runner, didn’t she? Joined the bleeding Tories, ain’t that so? How much more bad luck can you get? Maybe Mr and Mrs Ofsted have only gone and got romantic, off early to bed and had a little baby Ofsted for you all. I bleeding well hope so, cos like them, you’re fucked.”

“With much all due respect, Mr Sidney, I don’t think we can say she ‘done a runner’.”

“All due respect? More like all due neglect. Yak yak yak.”

“No. Mr Sidney. Primarily, as you may or may not have heard in the grapevine, the Headteacher remains protracted in Witney, Oxfordshire for the duration of forever. By which case, I mean to say that, she will not be returning. This is due to her husband failing his vetting procedures. She sends her apologies by way of the forthcoming email I will now intend to read to the staff at the duration of the meeting. She says the following: ‘Please do not put paper towels in the urinal. The urinals may become blocked. It is never a good day with paper towels blocking the urinals.’

Ah. No. that is not what she wrote. She actually writes: ‘My colleagues and friends. Those of you I have come to respect. And others who work there, too. I have to tell you that my husband is detained in Witney, Oxfordshire for the duration of Ofsted and we will not be able to attend. I also have to tell you that, due to his severe agoraphobia, my husband will not be able to return any time in the future. Good luck. I know that somehow you will miss me. I have left my responsibility in the hands of Mr Blunt. He will guide you safely into the outstanding harbour that you shall, I feel sure, build together.’”

“She wrote that cobblers? She’s having a laugh. Yak yak yak.”

“On the other hand, Mr Sidney…”

“Shut up, Blunt. Now listen here, you lot. I’m here on short notice. Now. I’ve heard some ugly rumours that you lot think they got me on the cheap due to the school being a million pounds in debt…who’s that, Blunt?”

“Who did you mean?”

“That bloke at the back, playing with condoms, what looks like a Geography teacher. Patches on his jacket elbows. The knob sitting over there.”

“Ah. Likewise that is Mr Thompson. He’s a Geography teacher.”

“Tell him to shut up. I do not intend to run this school along the lines of ‘Carry on Camping’. If I did, Thompson, you’d be the last I’d want to see running around and falling out of his bra. Yak yak yak.”

“Mr Thompson…at the finality of this briefing, will you kindly see me…”

“Shut up, Blunt. Now I’ve seen the appeal what the SLT have put together, arguing that they was unprepared due to them not seeing the car parked down the lane 24 hours before it was due to visit. Cor, blimey. Is that the best you can do? Course they was at the airport. Course they was. How else were three random blokes from Wolverhampton going to get here? Call that a case? Nut case, more like. Yak yak yak. And who is this Mr Iqbal?”

“He’s, actually and on the other hand on sick leave.”

“Sick leave?”

“Yes. When Mr and Mrs Ofsted visited, SLT thought that, similarly, he would be the ideal person to judge the English Faculty’s ‘dress as a book character’ competition.”

“So, he’s an English teacher?”

“No. He is, moreover, a part of the Religious Studies Faculty.”

“And he judged a competition what asked him to pick out the best giant leg of ham? In front of bleeding Ofsted? Cor, blimey.”

“We were doing ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.”

“Who’s that?”

“That, however, was Mr Finch. He is an English teacher.”

“Shut up, Finch. Shut up Blunt. Giant ham competition? What the bleeding hell was that about? Ham? You should have done sausage, chops and bacon and gone the whole hog. Whole hog. Shut up, it weren’t that funny. Yak yak yak.”

“That was quite funny, Mr Sidney.”

“Shut up, Blunt. Now. Listen up. This school is one million pounds in debt. That requires improving. There’ll be no more giant ham competitions for a start. That’ll save a few quid. I’ve looked at SLT’s appeal about the car and their aim to move from special measures to requires improving. It’s a load of cobblers. I have a better one. How we can save the dosh. What I’ll do is easy. All you teachers what require improving will see me. I’ll be mostly focussing on the ones with the most experience and what cost the most dosh. I’ll offer a bit of bunce for you to clear out. Yak yak yak. Then I’ll get the newly qualified cheap teachers to replace the sodding lot of you. What do you think of that?”

“That’s outstanding, Mr Sidney.”

“Yes, Blunt. I’ll see you first.”

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

In Briefs 3: Scanties

In Briefs 3: Scanties

Good morning staff. Staff. Good morning. Staff.

Can we similarly settle down, please? Quiet at the back. No. No. Yes. To the extent of which I need your attention thereafter.

Put those knitting needles away, please Mrs McGinty. On the other hand, they are NOT knitting needles? Put that down, Mr Thompson, and stop sucking it, please.

Mr Thompson? SLT did not, nevertheless, promulgate the bringing of sexual aids to briefing, nor authorize a representative from ‘Sex Toys’ to be in attendance at the briefing. Thank you.

Now - this week’s announcements at the commencement of which, I shall give them.

Primarily and most importantly, the Headteacher sends her apologies for her continued absence in Witney, Oxfordshire. She asked me to say it was protracted. I therefore and immediately sent for the Head of Mathematics, Mr Trumper.

Stop sniggering at the back of the room, Mr Thompson. Mr Thompson? I will see you in my office at the end of briefing. What? No there is no need to bring the sexual dildo toy. In fact put it back in the box. I don’t care if it is, on the other hand, wet from your tongue.

No. No. You cannot say that. She is the most expensive Headteacher we have, similarly, ever employed here.

She, in fact, asked me to read the following communication to you all. It was, moreover and similarly, received via email, which can demonstrate, in fact, how important she feels it is. I shall read it, on the commencement of your attention:

‘Dear Mr Blunt, please convey my apologies to the staff as my husband and I are detained in a protracted way by Witney Tory Local Party whilst my husband is vetted. We will be back as soon as is humanely possible.’

No, Mr Thompson, it is not castration. I’m sure we would be the first to know if that was, likewise, the case.

Moving on to other matters. SLT have been involved in investigating, at the same time, who was responsible for putting crisps into Mr Iqbal’s pigeonhole. Yes, they were, by mistake, Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps. A very popular flavour for some people.
Often, SLT has been aware of the popularity of that flavour. However, it did become visible to SLT that SLT themselves were, in fact, responsible for this grave error of judgement in terms of them crisps being Smokey Bacon.

Mr Thompson, you are trying my patience.

In attempting to reward Mr Iqbal for his loyalty to the school with some complimentary crisps, it was agreed at SLT committee that they should, in fact, be prawn cocktail flavoured crisps.

Notwithstanding and at the same time, Ms Snips accidentally rewarded Mr Iqbal with Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps. This was later found out to be deeply insulting to Mr Iqbal, a fact that Ms Snips had no recollection of. We have asked Mr Iqbal, in the light of this, to return to work when he will, in fact, receive his apology.

Next week we have, similarly, asked the English Faculty. We have asked the English Faculty for their assistance in rescheduling book week as our annual showcase event for the year in progress. The theme this year is ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. For our fancy-dress competition, we have asked our parents and stakeholders to dress their children as Scout. We feel sure, in SLT, that nothing will, on the other hand, be more inspiring than a parade of children dressed as giant hams.

Finally, we feel sure that our visitors, Mr and Mrs O, who we never mention, will visit next week. We can be sure that they will sit in their car at the bottom of the lane. They will, similarly, and to the same extent, ring the school 24 hours before they visit us. Whereupon we will have 24 hours before they do, in fact, visit us. We hope that our book week competition will convince them that we are, likewise, still an outstanding school of which we can be proud of the fact that we are, moreover, outstanding.

Mr Thompson? Please present yourself at my office.

Monday, 17 April 2017



Tinted green, yellow, brown and blushing pink,
ripened fruit back-shelved, with juices to drink.
All shapes, sizes, the plucked bush mango waits:
lustres amongst sugary figs and honeyed dates.

Sweating. Sun matured with soft wrinkled skin,
you reach, handle and it beckons you in.
Split open rind, it surrenders and parts,
spilling the moist intoxicating heart.

Now sticky oils, they cling to your fingers,
then cunning sweet scent that grips and lingers.
Tongue tangled. Dancing a tango of taste,
thrusting pirouettes of slowness and haste.

Man should go and select the fruit with care:
to take pleasure when desires are laid bare.

Friday, 14 April 2017

In Briefs - 2

In Briefs

“Good morning, everybody.

The headteacher sends her apologies as similarly her husband had to journey to an appointment in Witney, Oxfordshire, but moreover, they will be staying there for the appointment until the duration is over and, on the other hand, when she will come back.

Now, likewise, looking back to last week, senior leadership team was involved in investigating why the pigeonhole section of the staffroom smelt of gone off bacon and who, thereafter, put bacon bits into Mr Iqbal’s pigeonhole. These were, moreover, Sainsbury’s bacon bits and, equally, were past their sell by date. Also, on the internet these can be called lardons.

Mr Iqbal complained to SLT about the bacon bits. He complained that SLT had inserted bacon bits into his pigeonhole No. No. SLT has never inserted bacon bits into anybody. Bacon bits were placed in the pigeonhole by an unfortunate accident. They were due to be posted to Mrs Murghaty in the DT Food department and, as such, the bacon bits were never intended to be received by Mr Iqbal who, on the other hand, left them there alongside his copies of the new behaviour and uniform policies and they went off in the pigeonhole section of the staffroom.

Thank you, correspondingly, to the Science Faculty for the Science week. Many of you will know it was Science week last week. Science week was organised, at the same time, by Mr Pidton. Throwing eggs by parachute from the upper floor Science rooms was a practical experiment in escape velocity.

SLT received several complaints about the eggs landing on the staff in the Maths Faculty. Well done, however, to Mrs Murghaty who was able to combine these eggs, for the extent of the week, with Mr Iqbal’s bacon bits which will similarly show the school is environmentally friendly.

This week we have had several complaints from parents and stakeholders. These complaints from parents and stakeholders are about the new behaviour and uniform policies. We take these complaints seriously and SLT has decided to inseminate a survey for the use of possibly taking down our data of the policies. Teachers must now, at the origins of their lessons and the terminations, check pupils for ear ring usage, nail varnish application and, on no account, mobile phones.

Pupils wishing to use the school toilet must be issued with a ‘wee wee pass’ for the duration of their visit and to be accompanied by an adult member of staff of their choice or the class teacher. Whichever is nearest. On no account must they likewise be allowed to use coats in the school building. There was an incident of only last week where some yoghurt was put on a coat.

Strawberry flavoured.

Opposite to this, we are expecting a visit from certain visitors. These visitors begin with O and we don’t mention them, do we? On the other hand, SLT are sure they will continue to find our school is, similarly, an outstanding one. They will sit in a car at the bottom of the lane to give us 24 hours’ notice with a phone call. After that we can expect a visit inside 24 hours.

Thank You”

Special Measures

Special Measures

I was in the pub. Drinking.

Could have been Stella.

The evening of my last day here in Kwatar. I fell from my stool onto a party of Japanese drinkers.

They were terribly good about it.

Insisted on mopping me down. Helped me remove shards of glass from my arse. Combed the sushi out of my hair.

I lay prone on their table voluntarily redundant, and the heavens spun about me. But I smiled and thanked the Good Lord for all the special measures.

Thank you, Lord.